The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize