More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
