I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I faked an abortion last night.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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