Even water is tasting like jack daniels
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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