Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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