that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
