Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I have aggressive nipples.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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