i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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