Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I love you. Go after that dick
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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