well you can't waste a boner
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
