Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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