sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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