This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
