I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
