What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
