you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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