i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
