just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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