Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize