1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
