Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
