the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
