The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
