omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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