I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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