Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
