The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
