ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
