remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
