You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
