you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
