Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
