sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
