One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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