you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
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