i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
We are all done wearing pants today
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
