If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
