"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
