I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I would ride that face into the sunset
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
