Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
