They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
