bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
