Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
