she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
