Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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