I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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