Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
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