i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
