right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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