I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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