Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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