And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
