It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
