Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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