either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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