i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
