if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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