dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
