i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
