You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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