Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
