All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
