i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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