You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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