Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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