I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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