There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
