ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
